Deus.com / God.com: abril 2011

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."

The Four Sons

A humorous version of The Four Sons, by Harold Zvi Rabbie.

There are four types of children who ask questions on Pesach: the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.

What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.

What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this festival to you?" Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half for working on Pesach.

What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say to him, "This is dinner."

As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"

A Texan non-Jew came to New York for the first time, having never tasted Jewish food. On the recommendation of a friend, he went to the Lower East Side to eat at a real Jewish restaurant.

He looked at a menu, but everything on it was strange and new and he simply didn't know what to order. When the waitress came, he pointed to a dish on another table and asked what it was.

The waitress replied, "That's matzo-balls".

"OK," said the Texan, "I'll have that."

He got his dish, and was finishing it with relish when the waitress came back again. He looked up and said:

"Ma'am, that was truly delicious. I never had anything like this before. Tell me, do you serve any other parts of the matza?"

What kind of cheese do I eat on Pesach?

Matzo-rella

10 SIGNS YOUR SEDER IS TOO BIG

10. You can't find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen.

9. To recline at the table, everyone has to do it in unison.

8. You have to sketch your living room/dining room on graph paper first...

7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidelach.

6. When you rotate verses of "Echad Mi Yodea?" someone ends up singing, "Who knows 39?"

5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TVs and auxiliary speakers.

4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matza rises.

3. Even the kids complain that they do not have enough maror.

2. When you read the list of the Ten Plagues, the word "locusts" really rings a bell.

And the number one way you know your seder is too big.........

1. When Elijah shows up, you give him his wine "to go."

The Ancient Story

As Moses and the Children of Israel were crossing through the parted Red Sea, Moses heard cries about how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, the water was salty and not drinkable. Miraculously, a fish appeared from the wall of water and told Moses that she and her family heard the pleas of the people. The fish said to Moses that she and her family would remove the salt from the water by passing it through their gills and forcing it out of their mouths. The water would be fresh like a fountain from which the Israelites could drink as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly offer. To remember the miracle of the fish who transformed salt water to fresh water, Moses let it be known that hence forth the Sedar to honor the Exodus would always include "Gill Filter Fish"

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, it was bad enough just to sit in counsel with a Jew.

But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear.

Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did. As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker.

Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must die. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."

The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well, if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again" he said.

The Jew felt elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife."Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."

His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"

The Rabbi and the Shamos*

A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos. Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp.

The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?"

Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand."

The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food!" ("traif" means "non-kosher" in Hebrew)

Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this Restaurant?"

"Yes, I did," replied the Rabbi.

"Did you see me order the food?"

"Yes, I did" said the rabbi.

"Did you see me eat the food?"

"Of course I did!!! Why do you think I barged in here?"

"Well, then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"

(*A "Shamos" is the Hebrew word for an assistant synagogue manager)

Best line I ever heard in a seder was from my sister, who interjected this in a reading of the Hagaddah a few years ago:

"We eat matzoh, because when our ancestors left Egypt they did not have enough time to let the bread rise...although apparently they had enough time to beat egg whites..."

If you're Jewish and don't get it, you can consider yourself very assimilated.

And if you aren't Jewish and you do get it, what does that mean??????

OK OK, here's the explanation: During Passover, Jews are forbidden to eat leaven, which of course includes "leavened" bread, which in turn has come to mean "Anything whose airiness comes from yeast or baking soda." Hence, all cakes, etc. are held up by beaten egg whites during Passover.

From: http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/passover/passoverhumor.html

Jacob Richman's Humor Pages

http://www.jr.co.il/humor/passover.htm

At his 100th birthday Moshe was asked to explain his longevity.

- "Onions".

- Onions?

- "Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 3 onions, and before bed 4 more onions. Then at night when the Angel of Death comes and calls out "Moshe. Moshe". I face him directly and answer "Whoooooo?"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Humentash on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Purim" under the Humentash. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Matzo tattoo with "Happy Pesach" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks "If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach!"