Deus.com / God.com: maio 2011

Efraim Kishon, jornalista israelense, nascido na Hungria, demonstrava o bom humor que prevalece apesar das dificuldades:

Israel é o único país do mundo onde estouraram projéteis iraquianos, Katiyushas libaneses, suicidas de Gaza e mísseis sírios e, apesar disso, um apartamento de três dormitórios custa mais do que em Paris.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde os aposentados fazem greve.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde o cantor mais popular continua morando com os pais.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde jogadores de futebol trazem o pai ao treino, para que brigue com o treinador.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde, logo na primeira visita, o visitante pergunta "posso me servir na geladeira"?

Israel é o único país do mundo onde o fulano de camisa manchada e com colarinho aberto é sua Excelência, o Ministro. E o moço ao lado, de terno e gravata, é seu motorista.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde os acima de 60 anos ainda guardam rancor dos sargentos, da época em que serviram no Exército.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde um aposentado de 101 anos funda um partido.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde os parlamentares que optaram por permanecer calados não param de falar.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde a mãe do chefe do Estado Maior das Forças Armadas sabe o número do seu telefone privado. É bom ele tomar cuidado...

Israel é o único país do mundo onde uma refeição israelense consiste em salada árabe, kabab romeno, pita iraniana e creme da Bavária. É que eles gostam de comida anti-semita.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde "não te incomodei?" significa "quero te incomodar".

Israel é o único país do mundo onde muçulmanos vendem aos católicos lembranças santificadas, em troca de dinheiro com imagem de rabino.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde nenhuma mulher se dá com a sua mãe, mas mesmo assim se falam 3 vezes ao dia... 2 vezes sobre você.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde os ricos são socialistas extremados, os pobres, capitalistas incondicionais, e a classe média paga por tudo.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde, logo no primeiro encontro, pergunta-se à moça onde ela serviu no Exército.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde se descobre que ela era mais combativa que você.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde a maior parte das pessoas é incapaz de explicar porque mora lá, mas tem um monte de motivos porque não pode morar em outro lugar.

Israel é o único país do mundo onde, caso você odeie os políticos, os funcionários públicos, a situação, os impostos, a qualidade dos serviços e o clima....é sinal de que você gosta do país

Sionismo no século XXI

Certa vez um industrial judeu avisou à esposa que tinha investido todo o seu capital num negócio de alto risco, mas grandes lucros.

- Se tudo der certo (disse à assustada esposa) vamos fazer uma viagem de luxo à Israel.

- E se tudo der errado? pergunta ela desconfiada.

- Então, faremos aliá.

No sexto dia, Deus virou-se para os anjos e disse:

- Hoje vou criar uma terra chamada Israel. Será uma terra cheia de montanhas, com neve, lagos cintilantes, florestas cheias de todo tipo de árvores, altas falésias protegendo praias de areia branca com abundância de vida marítima.

E Deus continuou: Farei esta terra rica para fazer seus habitantes prosperar e chamarei estes habitantes de Israelenses e eles serão conhecidos como o melhor povo da Terra.

- Mas Senhor, perguntaram os anjos, não é generosidade demais com esses Israelenses?

- De fato não, respondeu Deus, esperem só pra ver os vizinhos que eu vou lhes dar...

Um jornalista foi enviado a Israel para fazer algumas entrevistas. Seu apartamento dava de frente ao Muro das Lamentações. Todos os dias, de manhã, ele via um velho judeu de barba orando vigorosamente. O jornalista pensou que esta seria uma ótima entrevista. Ao apresentar-se, disse:

- Eu vejo o senhor rezando aqui todos os dias à mesma hora. Há quanto tempo o senhor faz isso, para quem e para que o senhor esta' rezando?

- Eu venho aqui para rezar, todos os dias, há 30 anos. Pela manhã, eu rezo pela paz no mundo e para que haja amor entre os homens. Depois volto para casa, tomo o meu café e volto para rezar e pedir a cura de tantas doenças da Humanidade. E rezo também para uma coisa muito importante: que haja paz entre os israelenses e os palestinos!

- E como o senhor se sente pedindo tudo isso?

O velho respondeu:

- E' como se eu estivesse falando com uma parede.

As Férias

Deus decide que precisa tirar umas férias. Um de seus auxiliares sugere Vênus.

- Esquece, diz Deus. Estive lá há 10.0000 anos e fiquei torrado de sol.

Outro anjo sugere Júpiter.

- Nem pensar, diz Deus. Estive lá há 5.000 anos e fiquei congelado.

Um terceiro sugere a Terra.

- Ih... Estive lá há 2.000 anos e ainda estão me acusando de ter engravidado uma moça judia...

Um judeu que viajava de avião resolveu tirar os sapatos para ficar mais à vontade.

Dois árabes, que viajavam no mesmo avião, para curtir com a cara do judeu, pediram que ele fosse pegar dois cafezinhos.

O judeu, atenciosamente, foi atender ao pedido e saiu deixando seus sapatos sob a poltrona.

Os árabes, rapidinho, fizeram xixi dentro dos sapatos do judeu.

Ao voltar com os cafés o judeu sentou, mas não calçou os sapatos.

Os árabes, então, resolveram provocar o judeu para que ele ficasse com raiva e calçasse os sapatos:

- Ah, judeu, como é que está a guerra entre judeus e árabes?

O judeu respondeu:

- A mesma "merda" de sempre! É um tal de árabe mijar nos sapatos de judeus, e um tal de judeu mijar no café de árabes! Essa guerra não acaba nunca...

Assim que o avião da El Al pousou no Aeroporto Ben Gurion, o comandante orientou:

"Por favor, permaneçam sentados, com os cintos atados, até que o avião pare completamente e os avisos luminosos tenham sido apagados. Queremos também lembrá-los de que o uso de telefones celulares a bordo desta aeronave é estritamente proibido."

"Para aqueles que estão sentados, desejamos um Feliz Natal e esperamos que aproveitem sua permanência... e para aqueles que estão de pé nos corredores, falando em seus celulares, desejamos Feliz Chanukah e que sejam bem-vindos de volta à sua casa."

¿QUIEN ES UN ISRAELI?.

Un israeli es alguien que usara su telefono celular para llamar a su mujer que esta en el cuarto de al lado, para que le alcance las semillas de girasol que se le acabaron....

Un israeli es alguien que prende el señalero izquierdo del auto y dobla hacia .... la derecha.

Un israeli es alguien que sabe lo que es mejor para Ud...... mejor que Ud.

Un israeli es alguien que viaja a Chipre por el fin de semana y tiene a toda la familia esperando en el aeropuerto de Ben Gurion cuando vuelve....

Un israeli es alguien con mil excusas para explicarle por que no va a hacer lo que le pidio...

Un israeli es alguien que tira un cigarrillo por la ventana del auto y luego se queja de que las calles europeas son mas limpias que en Israel.

Un israeli es alguien que adora vivir en Israel,...... especialmente cuando pasea por el extranjero.

Un israeli es alguien que no se sonroja cuando le pregunta "¿Y Ud cuanto gana?"

Un israeli es alguien que hara todo por zafarse del servicio de reserva de Tzahal, en epocas de paz, pero hara todo lo posible por servir a su pais en tiempos de guerra....

Un israeli es alguien que desea lo mejor,....... pero se prepara para lo peor.

Un israeli es alguien que conoce la respuesta, antes de que Ud haga la pregunta.

Un israeli es alguien que no sabe como decir "por favor", "perdon" o "gracias", pero en momentos de urgencia caminara a traves del fuego para darle una mano, porque su exterior es pinchudo pero tiene un corazon de oro en el cual Ud. puede confiar.

Un israeli es alguien que caminando por una calle encuentra que todos los transeuntes fueron compañeros suyos del ejercito.Cuando se sienta en el Restaurant,encuentra todo el menu escrito en hebreo.El mozo lo llama "aj sheli"(hermano mio) y de repente se da cuenta de que esta en Tailandia,India o Nueva York.

Un Israeli es alguien que se pone a aplaudir apenas el avion aterriza en Ben Gurion y ya comienza a pensar cuando sera la proxima oportunidad para irse de paseo.....

Un israeli es alguien que tiene la mano pronta en la bocina del auto para empezar a tocarla despues que la luz cambio de color...

Un israeli es alguien que pasa a diez autos por la derecha, hace zig zag cruzando de una senda a otra, toca bocina con nerviosismo.... cuando no esta apurado para llegar a ningun lado.

MANUAL DE NORMAS DE CONDUCTAS DE UN ISRAELI QUE PASEA POR EL EXTRANJERO.

Todas las mañanas sin excepcion, debe sorprenderse y decir en alta voz lo extraño que le parece que la gente coma fiambre en el desayuno.

Cada vez que entra a un subte, tiene que decir de inmediato algo sobre la falta que hace un Subte en Tel Aviv.

Quejese todo el tiempo de lo mal que se comportan los israelies en el extranjero.

Cada vez que vea un producto israeli en la gondola de un supermercado, tiene que emocionarse como si tuviera el 51% de las acciones de la empresa que lo fabrico.

Recuerde que en los hoteles no hay camareras sino punguistas disfrazadas, cuya unica meta en la vida es robarle el pasaporte.

Esconda el pasaporte en algun lugar de la pieza del hotel y olvide donde.

Emocionese porque en las entradas de los Shoppings no hay agentes de seguridad que revisan a la gente.

Advierta a todo israeli que encuentre, no usar palabras como "idiota" "antisemita" o "nazi" porque son palabras internacionales.

Quejese que casi no se siente el "shabat"

Todo israeli que llegue al pais que visita no importa por cuanto tiempo, incluso un cuarto de hora despues que Ud. llego y llenelo de consejos con voz autoritaria, como si fuese un experimentado guia turistico por decenas de años.

Declarese la ilusa frase de todo israeli, "cuando estoy en el extranjero, nadie me identifica como israeli".

Viajeros en charter. Cuando le pidan hacer cola, nunca pararse en forma ordenada, sino pararse en apelotonamiento (por seguridad).

Compare la cantidad de telefonos celulares del pais que visita con el numero en Israel. Llegue a la conclusion de que Israel es un pais muy occidental y desarrollado.

Quedese en silencio cuando identifique a un turista arabe.

Recuerde que no existe algo asi como "un simple turista arabe en el extranjero" y que puede tratarse de un terrorista de Al Qaida mandado especialmente para matarlo.

Trate de seguir sus movimientos sin que nadie se de cuenta. El publico local le tiene confianza, es el unico de todos que paso por el ejercito israeli.

¡¡Ud es James Bond!!

Esta es un recopilacion humoristica hecha por Mauricio Liberman, un Uruguayo Israel.

EL TIO BORIS

Después de mucho batallar y gracias a las nuevas leyes de la ex Unión Soviética el tío Boris consiguió el permiso para emigrar a Israel, al igual que muchos otros camaradas rusos. Pero el se quejaba: - Me discriminan, no me dejaban salir, me investigaban todo el tiempo, si yo soy boina persona. Por fin se dieron cointa.

El día de la partida en el mostrador de aduana un oficial ruso revisaba el equipaje del tío Boris y de repente abre un paquete y pregunta: -Qué es esto?

- Perdón - dice Boris - Usted debe preguntar ¿Quien es este?.Este es un busto del camarada Stalin nuestro querido ideólogo y gran dirigente del partido. Y me lo llevo para nunca olvidarme de él.

- La verdad - dice el guardia - yo pensaba diferente de los judíos, pero lo felicito. Pase.&nbs p; El feter (tío en idish) Boris llega a Tel Aviv y cuando lo revisa en la aduana el oficial israelí abre un paquete y lê pregunta: - ¿Qué es esto? -

- Perdón - dice Boris - Usted debe preguntar ¿Quien es este?.Este, es el maldito dictador antisemita Stalin por el que sufrimos tantas desgracias y miserias. Traigo este busto para no olvidarme de dsu rostro y enseñarles a los jóvenes quien nos hizo sufrir día a día.

- Bueno señor cálmese - le dice el guardia - ya está aquí, todo pasó. Pase, pase que lo espera su familia. El tío Boris es recibido con gran alegría por sus hermanos, sobrinos y toda la familia. Van todos al kibutz donde habían preparado una gran comida para recibirlo. Cuando llegan a la casa lê dice un sobrino:

- Tío ve primero a tu habitación a dejar tus cosas y refréscate que te esperamos aquí - y señalando al mas pequeño de sus hijos le indica. - Uri, acompaña al tío a su cuarto y ayúdalo com sus cosas.

Se dirijen a la habitación y cuando Boris desarma la valija coloca el busto sobre la cama entonces el pequeño Uri pregunta: -Tío Boris ¿Quién es ese? -

- Perdón, dice Boris. Tu debes preguntar Qué es eso?. Eso querido Uri, son 5 kilos de oro puro.

A Unique Country - Written by humorist Ephraim Kishon.

What a Country!

It's the only country where the cross country highway stops in the middle of the state;

Ben Gurion Airport 2000 is still not opened in 2004 ; water imports start at the most raining year of the decade, and the Gelilot Camp is being evacuated for 8 years now, but is still operational.

It's the only country where the unemployed strike.

It's the only country in which the 60-year-old folks still hate the corporal they had 42 years ago.

It's the only country where you have 2 ministers of finance and neither of them has money.

It's the only country where the mother of a soldier has the cell number of his officer and he'd better beware.

It's the only country where you already had scuds from Iraq, katiushas from Lebanon, explosives from Gaza and bombs from Syria and where still, a 3 bedroom-apartment costs more than in Paris.

It's the only country where porno starlets are asked what their moms think about their job, soccer players bring their dads to the games to yell at their coach, and on Friday night everyone goes to their parents for a peaceful Shabbat dinner.

It's the only country where the man with the open, stained shirt is the honourable minister, and the one next to him with the suit and tie is his chauffeur.

It's the only country where Moslems sell holy memorabilia to Christians and get paid with Jewish currency.

The only country where you leave home when you're 18 and still live there when you're 24.

The only country where no woman gets along with her mother, but talks to her at least three times a day.

The only country where the rich belong to the socialist left, the poor to the capitalist right and the middle class pays for all of them.

The only country where you can easily get computer programs to build and send satellites, but you have to wait 7 days for your washing machine to be repaired.

The only country in which between the happiest day of the year and the saddest one, you have exactly 60 seconds.

The only country in which most of its citizens can't explain why they live there, but they have a lot of reasons why they can't live elsewhere.

The only country where, if you hate politicians, you hate clerks, you hate the taxes, the quality of service, and the weather - it shows that you love the country.

It's the only country where I could live.

It is my only country.

Trip to Israel - 1

Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.

Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"

Trip to Israel - 2

A voice is heard over the intercom at the start of an El Al flight to Israel.

"Welcome on board. Your stewardesses today are Naomi Jacobs, Miriam Goldberg and myself, Judith Kosiner. And we mustn’t forget, of course, my son Paul, the pilot."

Trip to Israel - 3

A voice was heard on Israeli Radio.

"This is Station OYVEY Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial, but to you, 1825."

The announcement

At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv, Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement “We are now going to show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.”

As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on:

"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the

seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited."

"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay.....and to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back home."

The flight home

Moshe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.

"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moshe.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

The 7 fridges

It might not be known by many outside of Israel but new immigrants can bring in normal household items duty free, but anything that looks like it could be resold in Israel is supposed to be subject to Israeli import duty. Moshe Cohen, a new immigrant, arrived at the Port of Haifa to claim his household goods, which had just been landed by ship. However, when he turned up, he was immediately called into the Port offices because the excise officer had noticed on the manifest that Moshe had brought in seven refrigerators.

"Mr Cohen," said the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed duty free, but certainly not seven of them."

Moshe replied, "But I'm very frum. I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy, and one just for parve."

"OK," said the officer, "that makes three, but what about the other four?"

"It’s obvious," replied Moshe, "I need three for most of the year and another three, for meat, dairy and parve, for Pesach."

"That only makes six," replied the officer," What's the seventh one for?"

"So nu," replied Moshe, "What if I want to eat traif once in a while?"

You shouldn’t ask that

When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open your case at once."

Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.

"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob.

Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."

When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!"

Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?” asked the officer.

Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."

The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."

When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.

Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold."

Conversation with a taxi driver

Abe was visiting Israel for the first time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel. The taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information.

Then Abe asks the driver, "Say, is Israel a healthy place?"

"Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered, "When I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room and I even had to be helped out of bed every day."

"That's a remarkable story, truly amazing," Abe said, "so how long have you been here in Israel?"

"I was born here."

A bus to Hilton

An old lady asked a bus driver at Ben Yehuda "Will you bring me to the Hilton?"

To which he replied: "With my wages?"

The tourist

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.

”Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.

The two Israelis just stare at him.

“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

Deja vu

Abe is on holiday in Israel with his wife, children and mother-in-law. Sadly, while they are visiting Jerusalem, Abe's mother-in-law dies. Abe goes to the British Embassy with her death certificate in his hand to make arrangements to send her body back to the UK for burial. As soon as the Embassy official realises that it’s Abe’s mother-in-law who has died, he tells Abe that it’s very expensive to send a body back to the UK.

"It could cost as much as £2,000," he says, "so in most cases, the family decide to bury the body here in Israel because this only costs £100."

But Abe gets agitated, "I don't care how much it costs to send her body back to the UK, that's what I want to do. OK?"

"OK," says the official, "calm down. We’ll do it. You must have loved your mother-in-law a lot, considering the price difference."

"No, that’s not the reason," says Abe, "it’s just that I know of a case of someone who was buried here in Jerusalem many, many years ago and on the 3rd day he arose from the dead. I just don’t want to take that chance."

Home, sweet home

Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.

The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.

He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly, take me back to Edgware."

The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'

"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Hette was on her first visit to Israel and was on a special day tour to Jerusalem. First stop was a big beautiful shul and she said to her guide, "That's really special. How long did it take to build?"

The guide replied, "About five years, madam."

Hette replied, "In my country it would only have taken six months."

They carried on with the tour and arrived at a small settlement. Hette said to the guide, "This is really lovely. How long did they take to build it?"

"About 8 years, madam." he replied.

Hette said (snootily), "Huh, in my country it would have taken less than a year."

Then they arrived at the Wailing Wall. Hette gasped at its size and said to the guide, "Just look at that structure!"

The guide didn’t wait for her next comment. He immediately said, "My goodness! I just can't believe it - it wasn't here this morning!"

Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.

"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.

"Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.

"Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

The Israeli archaeologist 1

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

The Israeli archaeologist 2

From Israel comes the story of a guide who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.

"That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.

"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.

"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."

The Israeli archaeologist 3

Last year, as some German scientists were digging 150 feet under the ground, they were surprised to discover small pieces of copper. They studied the copper pieces very carefully and came to the conclusion that 25,000 years ago, there was a nationwide telephone network in ancient Germany. They reported this in scientific journals, world-wide.

When British scientists heard the German announcement, they were just not impressed. They immediately embarked on a project to dig even deeper. When they had dug down to 300 feet, they found small pieces of glass. They studied the glass pieces very carefully and came to the conclusion that 35,000 years ago, there was a nationwide fibre optic network in use by the ancient Brits.

Israeli scientists were enraged when they learned of the German and British claims. They decided to dig 150 feet, 300 feet and 600 feet under the ground in Jerusalem. But unfortunately, they found nothing whatsoever. Nevertheless, they came to the conclusion that 55,000 years ago, the ancient Israelites had cellular telephones.

The champion of champions

One day, some builders are renovating an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles, Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: “ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948”

A history lesson

An American, an Englishman and an Israeli are indulging in a bit of boasting.

The American says, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence."

The Englishman says, "That's nothing. One of my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna Carta."

The Israeli quietly says, "You think that’s something? One of my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."

And God Created Israel

On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth."

"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"

"Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

The conversation

Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me, what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No, but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."

The four questions

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.

"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"

"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"

"Yes, David."

"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"

"Yes, David, that's also true."

"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"

"Again you are correct, David."

"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

The slalom

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.

The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!

"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"

Faster than lightning

It’s the Maccabi Games in Tel Aviv and just before their race, an American sprinter asks an Israeli opponent, "So what’s your best time for the 100 meters?"

"Just over 8 seconds," replies the Israeli.

"But the world record is around 9 seconds," says the astonished American.

"Yes," says the Israeli, "but I know a short cut."

The Israeli workers union

Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.

"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd.

"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."

"Hooray!"

"We have a 150% pay rise."

"Hooray!"

"We will only work on Wednesdays."

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

A really old joke

There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt.

So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”

“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”

“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”

Fact: The children of Israel roamed the desert for 40 years.

Conclusion: Even in those days, a man would never ask for directions.

Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?

It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

Riddles

Q: Who is Israel's favourite Internet provider?

A: Netanyahoo

Q: Who, in history, had the very first motorcycle?

A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could be heard all over Israel.

Q: How does an Israeli man commit suicide?

A: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.

Bragging

New Zealand’s Prime Minister is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "PM, it’s the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but we have an emergency. I've just been told that the Durex factory in Auckland has burned to the ground and it’s estimated that the entire New Zealand supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

"Oh dear," says the Prime Minister, "the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined! We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... how about the UK?"

"No chance," replies the health minister, "the Poms would have a field day on this one."

"What about Australia?" asks the Prime Minister.

"Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we’re in a mess. Why don't you call Ariel Sharon of Israel and tell him we need one million condoms. Tell him they should be ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way he’ll know how big we Kiwis really are."

So the Prime Minister calls Sharon who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need in return for improved diplomatic relations. Three days later an air express van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Prime Minister rushes out, opens one of the boxes and finds what was ordered - condoms 10 inches long and 8 inches thick. But they are all colored blue and white and then the Prime Minister notices, in small writing on each and every one, “MADE IN ISRAEL: SIZE MEDIUM.”

Fast calories

Moshe is talking to his friend. "Did you know, Abe, that during sex, an average man loses about 250 calories whereas the average Israeli loses 1,250 calories?"

"So how do you explain that?" asks Abe.

"Well," replies Moshe, "the Israeli uses up 250 calories during sex and a further 1,000 calories whilst he’s running around telling all his friends."

Business versus pleasure

Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of £50,000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.

"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family help me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five times a year. That’s how I made £50,000."

"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of £80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made fifteen business trips to Israel."

"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver."

Politics

Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.

After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."

Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"

"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.

"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"

The two farmers

Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there.

Bud asks Shlomo what he does.

"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. “I'm also a farmer.”

“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.

“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”

Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.

“You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."

"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."

The eye test

David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as he settles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician.

"I’m having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?"

The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Can you read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks.

"No," replies David.

"So how about the next line up?" asks the optician.

Squinting, David replies, "No, I still can’t read them."

"OK," says the optician, "let’s start at the top line. Read out the letters please."

"But I can’t," says David.

"Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician.

"Certainly not," replies David, "it’s just that I’ve never learned to read Hebrew."

What a coincidence!

Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel."

Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"

Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"

Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."

Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"

Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"

Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"

Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."

Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."

Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."

About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

Hell no

Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.

“You look surprised,” said a resident.

“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”

“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”

The famous writer

Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. When he gets to his seat, he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

After the concert is over, Benny asks one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"

"No," replies the official, "It’s named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."

"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny, "what did he write?"

"A check," replies the official.

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The phone call to God

Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"

"That's to talk to God," came the reply.

"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"

"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.

Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"

"Yes it is." came the reply.

"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.

"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.

"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"

"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."

You know you’re an Israeli because

You dial Directory Enquiries and ask, "Can I have the phone number of Moshe Levy in Tel Aviv, please." And when the operator replies, "which Moshe Levy do you want?" you say, "You know, Moshe, the one with the bad limp."

You always speak half in Hebrew and half in English.

You book a room in a nice London hotel and then complain to reception, "I can’t see the ocean from my window!"

As you walk down a main road, you recognize everyone you pass from the days you spent in the Army.

Before you buy any brand new car, you check it out by kicking its front tires.

When you meet someone who tells you they live in New York, you say, "Wonderful! So do you know Shlomo who lives there for 3 years already?"