Hanuká, humor & charges

Xmas vrs. Chanukah

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Xmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer!

1. Xmas is one day, same day every year, December 25.

Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.

Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday.

Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...

Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas.

No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc, so even if you are an illiterate klutz you can't go wrong.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts.

Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.

Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....

Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful from sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking.

A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. Jews burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Unless of course you are in Israel where they celebrate by eating inedible cherry donuts call sufganiot.

9. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.

Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary and Joseph.

The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.

We save money on Chanukah, less gifts to buy, less to return, less junk to deal with, easier to sleep with. Better to stick with Chanukah!

* * * * * * * * * *

Chanukah Gelt

It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign: Five Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!

Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the five hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the money," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.

"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."

"How much is it?"

"Only a two hundred and fifty dollars, and it's worth at least three hundred and fifty."

Feldman peeled off five fifties and gave them to her. The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."

"How much more?"

"One hundred and fifty dollars."

Feldman handed over the money.

"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress,

I'll simply die."

"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"

"Only a hundred dollars, Daddy dear."

Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

* * * * *

Sweaters

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

* * * * *

Chanukah Mailing

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

* * * * *

Jewish Landing

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:

"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."

"To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah."

"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

* * * * *

Top Ten Reasons to Like Chanukah

10. No roof damage from reindeer.

9. Never a silent night when you're among Jewish loved ones.

8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.

7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.

6. You can use your fireplace.

5. Spin-the-dreidel games.

4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.

2. Cheer optional.

1. No Irving Berlin songs.

Top 10 Reasons Why Hanukkah is better than Christmas 2

10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special".

9. Eight days of presents

8. No need to clean the chimney.

7. There's no latke-nog.

6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.

5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."

3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."

2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

1. Latkes are easier to mail than fruitcakes.

* * * * *

Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught On

Oy to the World

Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

Hava Negilah - The Megamix

Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already... Sheez!

Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)

Come on Baby, Light My Menorah

Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos

Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

* * * * *

Chanukah Presents

Manny and John are walking to school one day and Manny is describing his new Playstation 2 to John.

"Where did you get that?" John asked

"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Manny.

"What’s Hanukkah?" John asked.

"It's a Jewish holiday, where we get presents every night for eight nights, to celebrate the festival of lights."

"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed.

The next day, on the way to school, John runs up to Manny, curious to see what he got. He sees that Manny is upset, "What’s wrong? Didn't you get a present last night?" asks John.

Manny holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "Yes, but it was leftovers night."

* * * * *

The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers

On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
"You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

* * * * *

From http://www.jewishmag.com/139mag/humor/humor.htm